Festival of Shadows Page 11
The tavern was a gingerbread house with frosted windows. A sign above the door read THE DUELING GLOCKENSPIELS.
Theo climbed on a barrel and looked inside. A bunch of toys were scattered around the wooden tables, laughing as they played board games, told jokes, and passed around sippy cups filled with apple juice. A band was on stage, and two elves were at the forefront playing glockenspiels, each trying to outplay the other as the crowd cheered them on.
In one corner, a group of blue halibut passed around candy cigarettes and coughed up clouds of chalk that made a clown at a nearby table sneeze.
The clown was Ludwig, sitting alone at his table and staring at his thumbs as if he’d had too much to drink. One of the fish said something to him, and he shot to his feet.
Theo cracked open the window so he could hear.
“You hellacious halibut,” Ludwig said, pointing his finger. “No one in this bar has the right to insult me.”
One of the fish looked nervous. “You should stop drinking, buddy.”
Ludwig swiped his sippy cup off the table and downed it. “I love apple juice, and you aren’t going to stop me from drinking it. I dare any of you rapscallions to challenge me in an insult duel. I’ll give my left arm to anyone who can beat me!”
“Who cares about your left arm?”
“I’ll have you know that it’s quite valuable,” Ludwig said, unattaching it from the joint. “It contains the key to something important.”
When no one responded, he slapped one of the halibuts with his arm. “You’re all too scared, eh?”
Theo focused on the arm; its fingers were big—almost the same size as the fingerprint shapes on the security panel at the jail.
I get it now.
He climbed into the tavern through the window. “I’ll challenge you.”
Ludwig whipped around. “Finally.”
“What are the rules?” Theo asked.
Ludwig eyed Theo. “I’ve never seen you before.”
“I’m just passing through—Praise Stratus!—and I couldn’t resist your challenge.”
“You really want to play?”
Theo nodded.
“Very well. Let the game begin!”
One of the halibuts whispered to Theo. “You have to sling the worst insult. The big baby at the front of the bar will be the judge. Good luck.”
The bar went silent, and a giant baby doll in a diaper sitting on the tap clapped his hands and giggled.
Ludwig stepped forward and surveyed Theo. “I’ve been looking at you for the last two minutes, and you’re despicable to my sight, you fur-bedazzled lump bucket!”
“What the heck did you just call me?”
“A fur-bedazzled lump bucket!” Ludwig said, enunciating every syllable.
The bar oohed and aahed.
“That was the worst insult I’ve ever heard.”
One of the halibuts nudged Theo. “Retort. Hit him hard with an insult!”
“You’re a . . .”
~ “Fizzle-tiddle—”
~ “Bass-faced—”
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“Fizzle-tiddle—”
~ “son of a gypsy.”
~ “rumpus ball.”
“Fizzle-tiddle son of a gypsy, eh?” the halibut asked. “Not good. Baby’s mom is a gypsy.”
The big baby frowned.
Crap.
Ludwig took a swig of apple juice and burped. “If I’m the son of a gypsy, you’re a stumpy gloopy gravy boat!”
Laughter filled the bar, and everyone looked at Theo for a response.
Theo balled his fists. “Well, um . . .”
“You’re a—”
~ “disjointed—”
~ “balloon-breathing—”
~ “lanky—”
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“Disjointed—”
~ “arm-wielding crony.”
~ “apple juice addict.”
~ “dummy lover.”
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“Disjointed arm-wielding crony, eh?” the halibut asked. “Not bad, but I don’t think Baby liked it.”
The big baby grabbed Theo by the neck, stomped over to the door, and tossed him out of the tavern.
“And stay out!” Ludwig said as the baby slammed the door.
“Ouch,” Theo said, sitting up.
So much for stealing the key.
~ Continue.
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“Disjointed apple juice addict, eh?” the halibut asked. “That’s pretty accurate, I’d say.”
The big baby laughed so hard that he fell off the bar.
“We have a winner!” the halibut yelled, holding up Theo’s hand.
“I want a rematch,” Ludwig said, stomping up and down.
“Give me your arm,” Theo said.
“Keep dreaming, teddy!”
“I said give me your arm.”
Ludwig laughed, and Theo ripped his arm off and hit him over the head with it.
“Thanks.”
Ludwig tried to get up, but the big baby stomped over and sat on him.
“Baby doesn’t like you,” the halibut said.
Ludwig struggled under the baby and then groaned.
Theo plucked off Ludwig’s pointer finger and threw the rest of the arm back at him. “Change of heart.”
He left the bar, and everyone cheered at him.
~ Continue.
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“Disjointed dummy lover, eh?” the halibut asked. “I don’t know about his love life, but that sounds about right.”
The big baby laughed so hard that he fell off the bar.
“We have a winner!” the halibut yelled, holding up Theo’s hand.
“I want a rematch!” Ludwig said, stomping up and down.
“No. Give me your arm,” Theo said.
“Keep dreaming, teddy!”
“I said give me your arm.”
Ludwig laughed, and Theo ripped his arm off and hit him over the head with it.
“Thanks,” Theo said.
Ludwig tried to get up, but the big baby stomped over and sat on him.
“Baby doesn’t like you,” the halibut said.
Ludwig struggled under the baby and then groaned.
Theo plucked off Ludwig’s pointer finger and threw the rest of the arm back at him. “Change of heart.”
He left the bar, and everyone cheered at him.
~ Continue.
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“Balloon-breathing—”
~ “toddler bane.”
~ “baby scratcher.”
~ “giggle brain.”
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“Balloon-breathing toddler bane, eh?” the halibut asked. “That would explain his breath.”
The big baby laughed so hard that he fell off the bar.
“We have a winner!” the halibut yelled, holding up Theo’s hand.
“I want a rematch!” Ludwig said, stomping up and down.
“No. Give me your arm,” Theo said.
“Keep dreaming, teddy!”
“I said give me your arm.”
Ludwig laughed, and Theo ripped his arm off and hit him over the head with it.
“Thanks,” Theo said.
Ludwig tried to get up, but the big baby stomped over and sat on him.
“Baby doesn’t like you,” the halibut said.
Ludwig struggled under the baby and then groaned.
Theo plucked off Ludwig’s pointer finger and threw the rest of the arm back at him. “Change of heart.”
He left the bar, and everyone cheered at him.
~ Continue.
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“Balloon-breathing baby scratcher, eh?” the halibut asked. “Baby won’t be happy to hear that.”
The big baby laughed so hard that he fell off the bar.
“We have a winner!” the halibut yelled, holding up Theo’s hand.
“I want a rematch!” Ludwig said, stomping up and down.
“No. Give me your arm,” Theo said.
“Keep dreaming, teddy!”
“I said give me your arm.”
Ludwig laughed, and Theo ripped his arm off and hit him over the head with it.
“Thanks,” Theo said.
Ludwig tried to get up, but the big baby stomped over and sat on him.
“Baby doesn’t like you,” the halibut said.
Ludwig struggled under the baby and then groaned.
Theo plucked off Ludwig’s pointer finger and threw the rest of the arm back at him. “Change of heart.”
He left the bar, and everyone cheered at him.
~ Continue.
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“Balloon-breathing giggle brain?” the halibut asked, scratching his head. “I’m getting a weird visual. Baby didn’t like it, either.”
The big baby grabbed Theo by the neck, stomped over to the door, and tossed him out of the tavern.
“And stay out!” Ludwig said as the baby slammed the door.
“Ouch,” Theo said, sitting up.
So much for stealing the key.
~ Continue.
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“Lanky—”
~ “poop deck swabber.”
~ “lead-infused nail biter.”
~ “brussels sprout eater.”
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“Lanky poop deck swabber, eh?” the halibut asked. “I can totally see that.”
The big baby laughed so hard that he fell off the bar.
“We have a winner!” the halibut yelled, holding up Theo’s hand.
“I want a rematch!” Ludwig said, stomping up and down.
“No. Give me your arm,” Theo said.
“Keep dreaming, teddy!”
“I said give me your arm.”
Ludwig laughed, and Theo ripped his arm off and hit him over the head with it.
“Thanks,” Theo said.
Ludwig tried to get up, but the big baby stomped over and sat on him.
“Baby doesn’t like you,” the halibut said.
Ludwig struggled under the baby and then groaned.
Theo plucked off Ludwig’s pointer finger and threw the rest of the arm back at him. “Change of heart.”
He left the bar, and everyone cheered at him.
~ Continue.
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“Lead-infused nail biter?” the halibut asked. “Come on, lower your vocabulary. Baby doesn’t know what ‘infused’ means.”
The big baby grabbed Theo by the neck, stomped over to the door, and tossed him out of the tavern.
“And stay out!” Ludwig said as the baby slammed the door.
“Ouch,” Theo said, sitting up.
So much for stealing the key.
~ Continue.
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“Lanky brussels sprout eater?” the halibut asked. “I hate brussels sprouts!”
“Me too!” cried another toy.
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
Ludwig looked around at everyone agreeing with each other, and he threw his sippy cup to the floor in anger.
“Baby hates brussels sprouts, too,” the halibut said.
The big baby laughed so hard that he fell off the bar.
“We have a winner!” the halibut yelled, holding up Theo’s hand.
“I want a rematch!” Ludwig said, stomping up and down.
“No. Give me your arm,” Theo said.
“Keep dreaming, teddy!”
“I said give me your arm.”
Ludwig laughed, and Theo ripped his arm off and hit him over the head with it.
“Thanks,” Theo said.
Ludwig tried to get up, but the big baby stomped over and sat on him.
“Baby doesn’t like you,” the halibut said.
Ludwig struggled under the baby and then groaned.
Theo plucked off Ludwig’s pointer finger and threw the rest of the arm back at him. “Change of heart.”
He left the bar, and everyone cheered at him.
~ Continue.
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“I’m a fizzle-tiddle rumpus ball? Arrgh,” Ludwig growled. “That was pretty good, I’ll admit.”
The big baby giggled.
“Baby liked it,” the halibut whispered to Theo. “Keep it up.”
Ludwig scowled. “Well, you’re a plushy glooby disaster!”
“I’d love to know what glooby means,” Theo said, as the bar laughed with him.
“You’re a—”
~ “disjointed—”
~ “balloon-breathing—”
~ “lanky—”
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“Disjointed—”
~ “arm-wielding crony.”
~ “apple juice addict.”
~ “dummy lover.”
“Disjointed arm-wielding crony, eh?” the halibut asked. “Not bad, but I don’t think Baby liked it.”
The big baby grabbed Theo by the neck, stomped over to the door, and tossed him out of the tavern.
“And stay out!” Ludwig said as the baby slammed the door.
“Ouch,” Theo said, sitting up.
So much for stealing the key.
~ Continue.
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“Disjointed apple juice addict, eh?” the halibut asked. “That’s pretty accurate, I’d say.”
The big baby laughed so hard that he fell off the bar.
“We have a winner!” the halibut yelled, holding up Theo’s hand.
“I want a rematch,” Ludwig said, stomping up and down.
“Give me your arm,” Theo said.
“Keep dreaming, teddy!”
“I said give me your arm.”
Ludwig laughed, but Theo moved quickly. He grabbed Ludwig’s arm, yanked it off and hit him over the head with it.
“Thanks.”
Ludwig tried to get up, but the big baby stomped over and sat on him.
“Baby doesn’t like you,” the halibut said.
Ludwig struggled under the baby and then groaned.
Theo plucked off Ludwig’s pointer finger and threw the rest of the arm back at him. “Change of heart.”
He left the bar, and everyone cheered at him.
~ Continue.
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“Disjointed dummy lover, eh?” the halibut asked. “I don’t know about his love life, but that sounds about right.”
The big baby laughed so hard that he fell
off the bar.
“We have a winner!” the halibut yelled, holding up Theo’s hand.